How to Be Good

No, no, I am not about to discuss Nick Hornby's book. I have not read it, but the title of this post jumped into my head while I was thinking about it. I instantaneously thought, "that's a book!" After a quick search, I remembered where I had heard it. But, after reading the brief synopsis, I might have to read it, because it seems to fit with my mood right now. How do I become good? How do I evolve into that better person I always want to be, but seem to fail miserably?

Now, I am not a bad person. I haven't committed any egregious sins (except the occasional contraction in writing). I am a run-of-the-mill, normal failing person. I want to be that person who makes good choices for herself, both intellectually, spiritually, and physically. Unless you think I am a thrill-seeker, about to risk life and limb again, I am talking about ordinary physical things like making sure I eat healthy and exercise regularly. I want to be that person who, when confronted with things that anger or frustrate her, reacts in a healthy and reasoned fashion, not letting the petty and irrational thoughts dominate her words and actions. I also want to be the person who has the good sense to not let things distract her from her work. It would also be nice to be the person who can actually be good to others, not just think it seems like a swell idea to be generous. I would like not to think negatively first, despite its practical implications. (When one expect the worst to happen, one is more prepared when things go awry. Then, one can implement plan B.) I would like to let a lot of things go. The small things, the petty things, the stuff that I remember bugging me from way back, I want to let all of that go. Along with those things, it would be super not to remember every single stupid and embarrassing thing I have ever done in my silly life.

Now, the trick is, how do I distinguish between letting things go and being the eternal doormat? If one always tries to get along and be good, does one not run the risk of getting walked all over? And would that not lead to feeling like a dupe, a sap, a dope, a doormat, and would that not lead to feeling angry, petty, resentful, and back to not being good? I have heard that I need to pick my battles and that I need to see the larger picture about things. I think there is a secret to this whole finding balance and inner peace stuff that I am missing. I see a lot of people who seem to have it, who are more patient, who do not let little things get the better of them, who are good. And I am not, because I choose not to be good. Just like right now. I choose not to work on what I should be working on, to write this post. And I make a hundred different choices every day not to do the right thing, both big and small and pass them off as beyond my control, or insignificant to my larger improvement.

Well, on that cheery note, I will try to be good now and do my work. And maybe tomorrow, I will think about getting in shape. Yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea.

Subtext

Trying to read between the lines can be hard if you do not speak the language. A group or individual can have their or her own language that only others within the group fully understand. Or only those of their or her immediate life can understand. What is the context and meaning behind the author of a journal or letter when one is removed from it? A historian has to figure out what the individual was thinking and meaning when she wrote in her journal or her letter. Sometimes a historian can get the meaning all wrong if she is not careful, or she can tease out too much meaning. So, historians (and other scholars/researchers/writers) have to be careful and rely on as much concrete evidence as possible before throwing about suppositions and theories. Theory can help understand or interpret the past, but it should not be the only thing. Substance, we need substance.

Right now, I am reading documents that test my ability to discern the truth (yes truth) about the past. Words and ideas were conveyed in a polite and official voice. What lay beneath this veneer of fidelity and civility? How much of what was written was true for the author of the letter? And how well did she capture and report the words and ideas of others? Can I reasonably suggest or conclude there was more truth than spin in what she had to say? What is the real meaning of her language?

One could argue that it does not matter how meticulous I am about this one series of documents. I could give suppositions and leave it to others to determine. (Fortunately, Unfortunately), I have a responsibility to be truthful and reach deep beneath the nice language to the subtext of the document.

Statistics

I have been looking at numbers in order to help finish my last chapter. I lack diaries, personal papers, or descriptive letters to give me a good sense of the population of which I am writing their history. I am fond of statistics as long as they do not get too cumbersome or obscure more than reveal. If incorporated into the narrative well, they do not distract and can cut through the anecdotal information. If a group of people believe they were X and of course everyone was on the same page about X, then some nice statistical data can be very enlightening. Sure, it can confirm that everyone was truly X, but what is more exciting, is when it reveals that well, some may have been doing X, but there were either just as many or more doing Y! Those are good days. Right now, not sure what I have. More sifting. More analysis.

Getting All Fired Up

I am in the midst of writing the last chapter of the project and it deals primarily with more recent events. This, of course, gives me hives. I am a historian and I really believe one cannot truly analyze the past if that past was just a few days ago (slight exaggeration on the time). I am not a sociologist or anthropologist or a journalist. I am also not a theorist, or a philosopher, or anyone who has any authority to comment on the state of humanity, the relationship between the sexes, and contemporary socio-political and cultural developments. I may contribute to this blog, but that does not make me an authority on anything.

I, however, have to chronicle, compile, and analyze in a coherent and, of course, smart way, the recent history of my particular group of people for this history project. So, I screw my courage to the sticking point with the sage words of my father, "too bad, you are doing it anyway" and am plowing ahead.

Part of what goes into this is reading articles and op-ed pieces that comment on the state of women in the Catholic Church since the 1980s. It also involves including the "larger feminist movement" of recent past.* This is all very enlightening for me. Or rather, re-enlightening for me. I have been a feminist for a couple decades. When I was in college, I knew I was a feminist, but was afraid to say so. I became confident of my views and position as I entered my late twenties, but felt no need to wear my ideals on my sleeve, or a t-shirt or bumper sticker. I definitely did not bring my views into the classroom.** Yet, I have been a bit more hesitant to look at the current state of women in American society largely and specifically in the Church. My research has brought me in close contact with women who have truly put themselves on the line for their faith and their beliefs about women and equality. Reading this material has in many ways fired me up a bit. When I read an article published in the 1980s about the status of women in the Church, the roles they can and cannot assume, and the inconsistency of and obstacles thrown up by male clergy, I am struck by how much things have not changed. When I sit in the pew and try to find meaning in the Mass and the message of the readings, Gospel , and homily, I have to work hard see what I am supposed to see. I am tired of being passive when a mixed message of women's place in Catholicism is sent from the male pulpit. I have a hard time when someone is rude or degrading to women and I let it go to be accommodating or do not wish to engage in a debate or an argument. Granted, I am tired most of the time and that can truly affect the extent to which a person takes all that fired-up-ness and acts. I may change my mind or take a different attitude.

So, right now, I am fired up, because I am doing some reading. What about tomorrow? Will I sustain this fire? How will I maintain my Catholic faith (or enliven it) and hold to my feminist principles?

*I recently began reading Mary J. Henold's Catholic and Feminist: The Surprising History of the American Catholic Feminist Movement and she rightly refers to what many have called secular or mainstream feminism as "the larger feminist movement." Secular or mainstream implies that these women were not religious, and that those who were, like Catholic Feminists, were marginal and did not engage in the "mainstream" movement. See Henold, 8.
**I still do not do that. I know what I believe, but it is not a part of my job to indoctrinate students. I would rather give them the tools to make up their own minds.

Lame

I am very lame today. As I said in my previous post, we have been away, traveling, and visiting family and this, this, is the reason why I have not posted much, or at all. I think that is funny, because it is just a bit of an excuse. Yes, traveling makes finding some alone time to compose a post difficult. Or I think about something which would make a super (and of course terribly witty) post, but I am not near a computer and will not be for some time. Consequently I cannot remember what I wanted to say exactly, but it was definitely going to be clever. If I could only remember it...

Anyhow, I am lame today (and possibly many days previous), because I have been complaining in my head that none of my favorite blogs have posted recently. I am beginning to wonder if some of them will ever post again. What then? What will I do to distract myself when I work? And speaking of work, I am lame on that front as well, since it is taking me a while to get down to it. I have decided I am lame because 1) I have not exactly been Ms. Ever-Present Blogger; and 2) I should be more time-on-task than I have been up to this moment today.

Putting work aside for a moment (ha!), the blogging is a funny thing. What gives me the right to complain about bloggers I read not blogging? Sure, I am complaining in my head and the bloggers in question cannot hear, nor read, my mind. Am I not guilty of the very thing about which I am complaining? Am I not guilty of this sin? I think I must look to my own house before I start criticizing others.

Ultimately, it is not a criticism. I simply enjoy reading a handful of entertaining blogs. There are informative ones and thoughtful ones, which discuss feminist issues. While these are good, and are frequently updated, sometimes I am a little too tired to follow them. It is exhausting to be engaged in the good fight all the time. The ones I miss reading now are those which talk about every-day life and give funny observations. When I read them, I wish I could be as clever, or humorous, or have that same impact upon others. Well, we will keep trying, right?

Travels

At least twice a year, we pack up and hit the highway to visit family. We just got back from one of those trips. For some reason, this year I was a bit more nostalgic about visiting my family home. I was not feeling sad nor was I missing living there. I just remembered things more. I also spent some time combing through the old family pictures. That was different. As a historian, I have always been a bit more mindful of the past. I have begun to wonder why. Is it because I am older? Or that we have a house now? Both could be true.

Either way, we have been away, and now we are back. Hence my absence from blogging. I now have to focus on my work. I have a lot to do before the end of the summer. A new job is on the horizon. I still have to comment on that. A lot of things will change in the upcoming weeks and I still have to figure out what I will be doing. More later.