Not Ready to Throw in the Towel

Nope, not ready to quit just yet. And that has been a recurring theme in my head these days. Work has moved from overwhelming to just plain mind-bogglingly endless in terms of the amount of it. But, just around the corner, I know it will be better. Or at least not so horrendous. I honestly think this now, not just think it to convince myself that it might be true.

So, I will continue. And I will continue here. Maybe when things get better, I will be a better blogger and we will then miraculously get readers. Maybe.

Not Sure

I am beginning to think that this blog is going nowhere. Not sure, nope, not 100% sure, but I suspect no one reads it.

And if that isn't a reason for stopping, I don't know what is.

Depths of Despair

In the 1985 movie version of Anne of Green Gables, Anne asks Marilla if she has ever been in the depths of despair. Marilla replies she hasn't because "to despair is to turn your back on God." In the novel, the exchange is slightly different and I think I appreciate it more. Anne says she is in the depths of despair because she has just learned that Matthew and Marilla want a boy and not a girl, because Matthew needs help on their farm.

"You're not eating anything," said Marilla sharply, eying her as if it were a serious shortcoming. Anne sighed.

"I can't. I'm in the depths of despair. Can you eat when you are in the depths of despair?"

"I've never been in the depths of despair, so I can't say," responded Marilla.

"Weren't you? Well, did you ever try to IMAGINE you were in the depths of despair?"

"No, I didn't."

"Then I don't think you can understand what it's like. It's very uncomfortable feeling indeed. When you try to eat a lump comes right up in your throat and you can't swallow anything, not even if it was a chocolate caramel. I had one chocolate caramel once two years ago and it was simply delicious. I've often dreamed since then that I had a lot of chocolate caramels,
but I always wake up just when I'm going to eat them. I do hope you won't be offended because I can't eat. Everything is extremely nice, but still I cannot eat."

First, Marilla's short reply to Anne's inquiry into Marilla's imaginary life has always struck me as slightly humorous. This melodramatic little girl asks the restrained mature woman if she has ever imagined herself to terribly sad and without hope. Why would Marilla want to do that? Yet Anne's response, the long description of the feeling resonates with Marilla as it does with anyone who sympathizes with Anne.

Before we go any further, I am not in the depths of despair. I do however feel the need for an emotional cathartic explosion in the style of Anne. I am so close to finishing my project but everything has stalled. I have been in a state of lethargy and lack of productivity for weeks. I am moving forward, but not fast enough. The pressure is mountain and something has to give. Maybe a good explosion of emotions will clear out the cobwebs.