Tripping About

As Christmas approaches, I am remarkably in good spirits.  This is a bit of a change from the last couple years.  I think it has a lot to do with getting more sleep and not working every hour of the day.  Who knows for sure?  We will be traveling again for the holidays (we always travel for Christmas and New Year) and we will be stopping at various family members' homes as we go.  I read this blog post about being with family at the holidays and I hope this won't be the case for our visits.

I am not suggesting that I have the perfect family.  We don't see each very often; we don't live near each other. Getting together at Christmas is an important element to maintaining family relationships.  As my family's children get older, potentially we won't be spending holidays together so that they can be at home.  I hope we can push that off as long as possible.   For now, I comfort myself with a little Perry Como:

Thoughts on a Chilly December Late Afternoon

It is December already and I have not posted since October.  I am currently sitting in my office and thinking about blogging and my lack thereof.  I am also thinking about my work, my job, and (not to sound too much like a pretentious undergrad) the purpose of both.  Currently, I have a great deal of work to do that does not relate to my actual job--the one that actually pays me.  This is all very odd.  Beloved Husband is a professor and he is paid to teach, meet with students, serve on committees, and keep himself engaged as a scholar.  It is a lot and when he talks about committee work and other headache-producing things, I am glad I do not have to deal with that stuff.  When he talks about teaching and when he is very productive as a scholar, I start to long for something different than what is before me.

I work within an academic setting, but more in the administration side of things.  (No I am not an administrator or a dean or anything of any sort of power or influence.)  I work in an environment where we all care very much about the condition of higher education and the best form that should take with regards to faith and Christianity, but I have not been near a classroom since I started this job.  I am in an academic environment, but I have to squeeze minutes that do not exist from the day to be productive as a historian.

And it is December.  Christmas is approaching, a happy thought.  I am listening to some delightful music on 8 Tracks this afternoon.  I follow this photography blog and the author periodically posts a playlist to 8 Tracks.  This afternoon, I have been listening to those he has posted in previous Decembers.   As the light starts to fade from the day, my desk lamp becomes the only thing to illuminate my office.  I do not mind as the room becomes increasingly close.  The desk lamp in a darkened room has always been a comfort to me.   It provides a protective barrier between me and distractions, focusing my thoughts on the page in front of me.  It also softens the hard edges of a room in a way that a glaring florescent overhead light definitely does not.  Florescent lighting makes everything so ugly.  Those ugly distractions...

I think about this as I look at my list of things to do--that list of things that do not have anything to do with my job here.  Those things on my list inspire and engage me.  Do not get me wrong.  My job is quite a good one.  I like it and our mission, and I enjoy the people with whom I work.  That to do list, however, has the potential to fulfill me in a completely different way.  Finding a means of serving both "jobs" is what I struggle with on a daily basis.  Am I doing a good job?  Am I being a good scholar?

The list, oh that list...

Not at Home

In my professional life, I work for an organization that keeps religious ecumenicalism at the core of its mission.  To say that I am supportive of this aspect of the mission is a mild understatement.  Interestingly enough, while I study the history of religion in the United States, through my work, I have come to understand more about this history by working with people of different faiths.  (As a historian of Catholicism in America and a life-long practicing Catholic, one can get a little insular.)  I continue to be amazed and awed by other people's faith in God.  Sometimes it is palpable.  Everywhere around me are individual expressions of belief and how God works in their lives.  I am awed by this, because while I believe and depend upon my faith to sustain me when I am most troubled, at the same time, I quickly forget how God is present when things are good and I am free from concern and worry.  In the presence of such faithful people, I do not measure up to their constancy and devotion.

My job takes me into other denominational prayer life and worship.  Yep, I am committing the Biggest Catholic Sin Ever; I go to Protestant services and pray, well, non-traditional, Catholic-type prayers.  Oh, how my nineteenth and early twentieth century Catholic ancestors are spinning in their graves!  (I must be ever on my guard!)  In reality, it has been helpful and to be frank, helped me take a good look at what I believe and why.   It is also interesting that while I feel welcomed and accepted among Protestant congregations and worship services, I do not feel at home there.  That Catholic stamp is fixed upon my soul.  When I walk into a Catholic church and sit in the pews, I am home.

The scholar in me wants to know and understand more.  I was born after Vatican II. I never knew the white-ethnic Church that I study.  I am a cradle Catholic, the daughter of parents of who did inhabit that world and they shaped my identity.  Am I such a strong supporter of a Catholic Cultural Identity because of them, or because of what I study?  As I see mainline Protestant denominations blurring the lines which distinguished each other doctrinaly, why do I want to maintain a separateness?  When I think about this or look closely at what I believe and why, I find myself pushing back against the very ecumenical principles and ideas I so strongly defend.  So, what does that mean?

Seeking Productivity

What, another post about that darn project?  Well sort of.  Since finishing, I have been tired.  Very tired actually.  When I finished my dissertation, I had a little bit of time to decompress, but I was teaching at the time.  Consequently, I didn't get a lot of time to do whatever it was that I was supposed to do to distance myself from things.  Shortly after that, I started up the new history project and did not look back.  Now, the project is over and I am physically and mentally tired, but the need for me to be productive, thoughtful, and engaged still continues.  I sleep like a champ--oversleep actually.  All around me are very smart and ambitious people, and I marvel at their stamina.  How do they keep reading and working and moving forward when all I want to do is take a nap, watch TV, and then take another nap?  How does a person keep going when every fiber of her being says stop, sit here for a while, and rest?  Fortunately, I have started taking small steps towards productivity.  (Unfortunately, my steps are so small, an outsider might mistake them for sitting on the couch writing a blog post instead of writing my next paragraph.)  

It is Sunday afternoon and the day is slipping away.  I must confess that I did not do everything I planned to do this weekend, which means I will go into the new week with an even bigger list of tasks ahead of me until I face a critical mass of work to do. What's a gal to do, but to try again, start all over again, and find the energy, motivation, whatever to be productive.  Here's a little music to inspire me:

Coffee

When I finished the History Project,  I decided it was probably a good idea to pay closer attention to things like diet and exercise.  I need to get back in shape and take better care of myself.   This all sounds really good. One element of this reform of my life is curtailing the amount of coffee I drink daily.  I was drinking a lot, probably more than is really healthy or prudent for me.  (Come on, I can use the word prudent without it being too obvious.)  I subsequently cut my daily intake in half, which has allowed me to still have a good four to five mugs a day.  (Yes, I was drinking a lot of coffee in on twenty-four-hour period.)  I have at the same time tried to stop drinking coffee by the afternoon, which is challenging as I work in a place where coffee is free and can be made whenever one wants it.  There is always a pot of coffee going.  Granted, the coffee is not the best tasting java you would ever want, but beggars can't be choosers, right?

Since this pledge to reduce my coffee intake, I have learned that if I drink coffee, I will be happy.  This coupled with all the other benefits to drinking coffee has made me doubt the necessity of this pledge in the first place.  Sure, sure, I can have trouble sleeping, my teeth are going to be ground to nothing soon from all the grinding, and I am a tad irritable from time to time.   I, however, find that I am rather tired in the afternoon and lack productivity.  I am also irritable in a whole new way.  Sure, this might have something to do withdrawal, but I am not convinced of that.

To make matters worse, today is National Coffee Day and people are giving away free cups of coffee!  It is making me cranky.  As a long-time coffee drinker, I had not heard of this day and I now come to learn that my two favorite places for coffee, Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, are not participating.  I am of two minds here.  Of course Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts should participate and for shame that they are not!  Then again, I might not be able to stand firm in my pledge to reduce my daily coffee drinking.

Let us be frank here.  Unless some doctor tells me directly that I should stop drinking caffeinated coffee, I will not stop drinking it.  

Surprise Surprise!

Something rather odd happened.  I finished the History Project.  I am as surprised as the next person.  I expected to be working on it for all time.  Now, as I say this, I know there will be more to do.  Revisions, edits, etc.  And there is no guarantee that the Press will accept said project.  Somehow, at this moment, I do not care.  At the very least, I do not have to worry about it for the moment.

I now can turn my attention to other projects, other work, and I can do crazy things like maybe read a novel.  I really want to read a novel.  I am also looking forward to having normal and intelligent conversations with people.  Obsession with a History Project tends to lead to all conversations leading back to said scholarly endeavor.  One also tends to have moments where actually talking to people in a polite and engaged way becomes bothersome, as it interrupts ones all consuming passion of one's work.  Or a person gets mentally tired and does not wish to actually engage with others in any capacity.  So, it is nice to be past that.

The larger issue for the two or three of you who might be checking in here is of course, does this mean there will be more posts?  Well, won't that be a surprise if there are more posts!

So Close

I am so close to finishing my project, you know the History Project, I could cry (or laugh, or fall into a pile of goo). I am not done yet, but I am close. Added to that is the very real possibility that a press might publish it. I am very far away from that, but I went from being in darkness to mostly darkness but someone turned on a light in the hallway outside the dark room that I am in. Or something like that.

I do not want to think positively. Really, it would seem like a bad idea to think positively about things at this juncture. As if something good will of course happen. Now, many good things happen to me and I have had a rather easy time of things. That said, this type of good thing has not happened to me and I really wish it would so that I can have tangible proof that I am, well, sort of successful. So there is a bit of hope and that can be very dangerous. Because if I hope, then that will work against me. The Fates or whatever will crush my dreams, or something melodramatic like that. (I am nothing if not melodramatic.)

Have you ever been frightened of hope? Or rather, wary of the potential for good things to happen?

The 4th of July

I am not sure what the other members of Team Perfection of Prudence our doing for this 4th of July (what are you doing?), but we are going to a cookout at some friends' house. We are not at home at the moment, but visiting family in the East. (So, we will be at Eastern Friends' House. Does anyone else categorize their friends by geography? Or places and times in which said friends were made? And if friends from differing categories meet, it is like ripping a hole in the space time continuum? That might be a post for another day.)

So, we are in the East for the 4th and it is quite a different experience than in the Midwest and that has a lot to do with fireworks. Fireworks are a huge deal where we live in the Midwest and I don't like it. Nope, not one bit. The indiscriminate lighting (or exploding) of fireworks leading up to and after the 4th is, well, excessive. And makes me cranky. Seems to get away from the point of the fireworks in the first place and there should be more emphasis on the reason we have a 4th of July celebration in the first place. It is not an excuse to have a cookout and blow things up. If that makes me a crank, then so be it.

That said, I am very happy to go and spend the afternoon with friends, eat good grilled food, have a glass or two of wine, and gaze at some lovely scenery. We have far too little of that lovely scenery in our corner of the Midwest. Well, it is there, but it takes a degree of work to find it and not just out your back door.

Happy 4th of July people. And while you're at it, read the Declaration of Independence.

Dreams

I look at this blog and dream that we will be regular posters again some day. I don't have the mental space to formulate all my thoughts, random though they may be, into a post. Soon, when things are less hectic.

When I signed in to post this Not-Post, I was told by Blogger that they now have this new automatic spam catcher for comments. Huh...since no one comments or possibly reads this blog, why then would it be necessary for us?

Oh Really?

I said in the last post, that was, well, a while ago, that I was not ready to throw in the towel. Well, I am not, but I have also been super busy. And repeatedly quashed by work. I thought the end was near--the end of the project--and I would soon act like a normal person, whatever that means. But, no, not over yet, and it is tricky as to the resolution and if we will all be happy.

So, this is what has been happening:

I have been working a lot, most every day and sleeping very little. All this culminated in a meeting which did not go well. Hence the quashing.

And most recently, I have spent the last few days recovering from a bad work experience. Day 1, sloth--wallowed in the badness of it. Day 2, found things to occupy myself other than work. Day 3, attempted to reorient myself back to the serious work at hand. This seems to be the pattern with my work of late. I go from an intense amount of work to reach a goal, and a meeting, and then there is the fallout which includes falling away from productivity.

The result--no growth as a person and very little attention to my soul this Lenten season. Lent has actually flown by and only once did I good and eat meat on a Friday. Today we participated in the reenactment of the crucifixion our Lord--did my best to exclaim "Crucify Him" on cue--and I guess Easter is next week.

After saying more than once in my life, this time it will be different, how do you truly make things different when you are quashed by work, over tired, and let's not forget how uninspiring weekly Mass has been of late? More to think about I guess.

Not Ready to Throw in the Towel

Nope, not ready to quit just yet. And that has been a recurring theme in my head these days. Work has moved from overwhelming to just plain mind-bogglingly endless in terms of the amount of it. But, just around the corner, I know it will be better. Or at least not so horrendous. I honestly think this now, not just think it to convince myself that it might be true.

So, I will continue. And I will continue here. Maybe when things get better, I will be a better blogger and we will then miraculously get readers. Maybe.

Not Sure

I am beginning to think that this blog is going nowhere. Not sure, nope, not 100% sure, but I suspect no one reads it.

And if that isn't a reason for stopping, I don't know what is.

Depths of Despair

In the 1985 movie version of Anne of Green Gables, Anne asks Marilla if she has ever been in the depths of despair. Marilla replies she hasn't because "to despair is to turn your back on God." In the novel, the exchange is slightly different and I think I appreciate it more. Anne says she is in the depths of despair because she has just learned that Matthew and Marilla want a boy and not a girl, because Matthew needs help on their farm.

"You're not eating anything," said Marilla sharply, eying her as if it were a serious shortcoming. Anne sighed.

"I can't. I'm in the depths of despair. Can you eat when you are in the depths of despair?"

"I've never been in the depths of despair, so I can't say," responded Marilla.

"Weren't you? Well, did you ever try to IMAGINE you were in the depths of despair?"

"No, I didn't."

"Then I don't think you can understand what it's like. It's very uncomfortable feeling indeed. When you try to eat a lump comes right up in your throat and you can't swallow anything, not even if it was a chocolate caramel. I had one chocolate caramel once two years ago and it was simply delicious. I've often dreamed since then that I had a lot of chocolate caramels,
but I always wake up just when I'm going to eat them. I do hope you won't be offended because I can't eat. Everything is extremely nice, but still I cannot eat."

First, Marilla's short reply to Anne's inquiry into Marilla's imaginary life has always struck me as slightly humorous. This melodramatic little girl asks the restrained mature woman if she has ever imagined herself to terribly sad and without hope. Why would Marilla want to do that? Yet Anne's response, the long description of the feeling resonates with Marilla as it does with anyone who sympathizes with Anne.

Before we go any further, I am not in the depths of despair. I do however feel the need for an emotional cathartic explosion in the style of Anne. I am so close to finishing my project but everything has stalled. I have been in a state of lethargy and lack of productivity for weeks. I am moving forward, but not fast enough. The pressure is mountain and something has to give. Maybe a good explosion of emotions will clear out the cobwebs.